Women, why do we ignore warning signs?

Hello Beautiful People,

I hope life has been treating you well…Always remember, God never promised it would be easy; he’s always faithful and able to see us through every issue we pass through.

I’m sorry I have been away for some time, there is just always so much going on…work, soul searching and trying to make the best of life. Like all my other posts, this post was inspired by my thoughts which were triggered by a program I’m currently watching on Oprah’s OWN…Iyanla Vanzant’s #Fix my life.

On today’s episode, Iyanla interviewed Evelyn Lozada, one of the cast members of the popular “Basketball Wives” reality show. Evelyn got married to her NFL Star Chad Johnson on July 4, 2012 and by August 14 in the same year; she had filed for divorce on grounds of domestic battery and infidelity. The marriage ended when Evelyn found a Walgreens receipt which for a pack of condoms purchased by her husband just 3 weeks after their wedding. Thereafter they got into a fight that landed Chad in jail and Lozada with a three-inch gash on her forehead.

One thing that got to me during the interview was that Evelyn revealed that she had prior knowledge that her man was cheating and she went into the marriage for fear of not being loved, she got married because she felt the marriage would validate her. Also, she had earlier consented to his infidelity in one of the episodes of Basketball Wives saying it was okay as long as he was honest to her and used a condom.

To cut the long story short, she accepted him and his flaws believing she could live with them; she probably thought that he would change after marriage and become a better person. I’m sure we all know by now that only GOD changes a person, marriage DOES NOT. It is a known fact that many people reveal their true identity after marriage as they become more comfortable with each other after the “I-do’s”.

Evelyn mentioned that like most women she ignored her intuition and went ahead with the marriage as there had been prior issues of infidelity, incompatibility, arguments, etc.

Over the past few months, we have read news of domestic abuse, the rate of infidelity among spouses has also been on the increase yet many do not learn.  On a regular basis, women are getting married to men even when their intuition and day-to-day activities with their partner spells D A N G E R!  If he hit you once, he will hit you again and again except God changes him. Don’t get it twisted…It is never fun for any woman to be in a “love-less” marriage. Mind you, when I say love, I mean true love, respect, commitment, accountability, faithfulness and all the ingredients’ that make for a good and enviable marriage.

My question is this, why do we women ignore the signs? If you ask me I would say we do out of the fear of unknown, fear of not finding someone else to love us, fear of losing all that we have invested in the relationship; the money, the emotions, the time, etc, poor self esteem that makes you feel you’re never going to be good enough for any man.

Again, I do not have all the answers; I look forward to reading from you guys. Do you have an experience where you have held on despite seeing warning signs? What did you do to get out of the relationship? What were the lessons you picked? Please feel free to share and drop your comments.

Thanks for stopping by and have a great week!

Ciao!

Building communication skills with your significant other...Is it really important?

Hello Beautiful People,

I know it’s been a long while. I've been a tad too busy...But I thank God all the same for the blessing of having a job. So many changes have been going on in my life...LoL. I went off blackberry messaging a few weeks ago and quite honestly I have been a little sane...I miss my friends, I miss seeing BBM status and display pictures updates..

To the business of the day, yesterday I attended my 'oyinbo' church--Harbor Trinity Church and I saw something that was of interest to me in the bulletin from Focus on the Family. That piece inspired this post; please enjoy! 

Like the topic of the post, this article focused mainly on communication between spouses. I will be adding some of my thoughts to the content of the article.

Very easily our lives have become so busy, there's work, there's family, and everything you can think of. 24 hours runs by so quickly, imagine we are already in September, that's how fast time runs. In the middle of the rigmarole, it is so easy to 'forget' the importance of this skill that is the life-blood of every relationship (God, spouse, parents, siblings, co-workers, etc). Communication is especially important because by it, you inform, explain, influence and build intimacy. Indeed, it is sharing your feelings, fears, needs and desires honestly, carefully and at the right timing. Quickly, I will share a few action points that can be used in building communication skills with our significant other.

- Morning and Evening Chats; Permit me to say, there are still a few people out there who wonder why they should speak to their significant other multiple times during the day e.g. in the morning or evening etc. I would say for me, and I know for a lot of people reading this, it is very important that you at least start your day talking to this person who matters a whole lot to you. Definitely there might be times when this may not be possible but with all the technology around these days, social media, blackberry messaging, whatsapp etc, I honestly think this should not be a problem. 

-Home-from-work-transition time; I think this applies to couples. It is very important that you both take time after work to reconnect. If you're still dating, I would say a perfect opportunity would be to hang out every once a while if you both work in the same area e.g. both on Victoria Island, instead of getting into traffic, seeing a movie or just hanging out for a drink after work wouldn't be a bad idea.

-Kiss 'n' hug; I know this sounds silly. I have heard people say why must I hug her 10 times or funny stuff like that. I think a hug does a lot and so does a kiss. For married couples, I would say don't go a day without a heartfelt kiss and hug. Somewhere down the line in your marriage, it would eventually be a tradition you'll be grateful you established. 

-Meal times; Take time to connect during meals; this would also be a good time to pray together and talk without the noise from the TV etc. If you're dating, again if you both work in the same area, you can easily meet up for lunch. Mind you, it doesn't have to be 'ghen-ghen'. I just think it creates a feeling of togetherness to have both of you eat together; moreover you would be building a culture that would create a bond when you eventually get married. I worked with a colleague a few months back, and he would always do a late lunch, so one day I asked him why and his answer was my fiancée and I, usually have lunch together at the car- park. I was so tripped. I thought that was a very brilliant idea which other intending couples can take a cue from. 

- Dates; I know people get married and just get so comfortable especially where I come from in Nigeria. Never underestimate the power of dates. Dress up like you would when he was still wooing you and go have some fun. Guys don't marry her and abandon her, marriage is not a favor from you to her, it is an institution created by mutual consent. If you're still in the courtship stage, this also applies to you. A date doesn't have to be expensive, just think up creative ways of enjoying each other's company. A few weeks ago, my married colleagues were talking about their coming vacation (she has two kids by the way), I asked her so what happens to the kids and she said Oh we drop them off at our parents and go on vacation for about a week or two at least once a year. It is important that you continue to keep the fire burning even after the kids have come. Yes, I know it is easier said than done, but bear in mind that you can do it if you really want to do it.

- The power of praying together. Honestly, there is something about connecting spiritually with your significant other. As the head of the home, initiate prayer sessions. Heartfelt prayers move God and it is only through him we can weather the storms that come with marriage; I definitely know it is not a bed of roses but like the saying goes, the couple that prayers together stays together. It doesn't have to be a long prayer session, find what works for you and stick to it. You can even compose a nice heartfelt prayer text message/ email message (not those bbm broadcast messages...LoL) and send them randomly.

I hope this makes as much sense to you as it made to me when I read that article, I also hope someone reading will start to adopt some of the ways listed here.

What other creative ways do you build communication skills with your significant other? Please drop a comment.

Thanks for stopping by!

Ciao!